Fam[ily]

So here I am. Sitting here. Drinking a Mountain Dew. At 2:19 in the morning. I can't sleep, I have a lot going on in my mind, which is not normal for me. I am one of those people that go with the flow, nothing really phases me...I don't look too far into situations & I don't expect people to "save me". I grew up with a fairly small amount of friends, not because I couldn't obtain them but because I was picky. I didn't want to let someone into my safe bubble so that they could take advantage & proverbially pop it. Those who know me though, can tell you I am an open book & I leave nothing in my closet. If I let you in, you're truly special. I have more friends in the e-world than I do in real life because I click & mesh well with certain personalities & it just so happens that they dont' live around here. Don't get me wrong, my BEST friend is my absolute soul mate. I love her. Sister. Fo life. All that jazz & I even have a few others but the ones I really care for are not in my life physically, but mentally. They aren't in my presence physically but they are in my heart. For my entire life.
These ladies that I am going to tell you about, its hard to put into words what they mean to me or how they've inspired me to be a better person. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared too death, very VERY excited but so very nervous for the changes that lay ahead. I decided to join a babycenter community of other women in the same situations as me. What better group to join than July 2008 Babies, as Maverick's due date was July 1st. The times I shared with these ladies made my heart grow fonder & fonder. As time went on I learned so much about these women & their little fetuses. I knew cravings, I knew aches, pains & more than anything I knew the love that they felt for their little ones as I felt the same for mine. Not a day went by that I didn't think of these ladies, how their babies were doing or if anyone had went into labor yet. One of our ladies Rebekah, was pregnant with twins & when we heard the news that she lost one, my heart ached for her. This was probably one of the first times I really FELT sympathy for someone on the internet, which were no longer just voices on the internet as one of our other mommas, Ashley said, but real TRUE friends. I remember Kristin being the last one to give birth & how she read all our labor stories wanting Kara in her arms! I was the first of the mommas to go into labor & had my beautiful son Maverick Colt McCartney. Then it seemed like they were all popping like balloons! LOL! All of our ladies are so very different but we're so much alike as well, we all share one thing in common & thats the love for our children. I remember hearing the news of Crys having Hudson & him being over 9 lbs & over 23 inches long! I thought my baby was big! LOL! Although I was busy with Maverick I always made time to check on my ladies, like I would check in with my family. When I looked at my son I would see their children & this warmed my heart & thats when I realized, we truly had a circle that was so special that I don't think even we see how amazing it is. I remember waiting to hear about Piper's arrival & little Miss Mika. Beautiful little Avery & Sophie. Spunky Kara & big boy Mason. Rock star from the womb Elijah & smiley little Jack Fisher. Beautiful Reagan & that big full head of hair Drayven! Caleb, Christian & little Nemi...little Cailin & Caden. The newcomer but feels just as much apart of our LO's than the next Caleb & Pauli! Oh & I would never forget Maverick's missing pea in a pod Jackson Michael, that had the exact same stats at birth! It was such an amazing feeling to know how much we thought about our babies & then for them to just materialize in our lives. The love we had for our children shun all over the boards whether it be bragging or being concerned or questions that people would look at us like we were stupid for asking. One thing I never felt through my pregnancy & during my motherhood up until now, is alone. I've never felt alone, reassurance was always just a click away for me. We've been through so much, the start of life, first holidays, baby food, diaper rashes, bottle or breast...you name it, we've discussed it. We've even experienced a death. Ashley, is one of the most amazing women I've ever had the pleasure to know in my lifetime. Shes portayed more strength & courage than I think I have seen in 5 people. I sympathize with her greatly but I don't "feel sorry" for her, shes going to be fine & shes going to thrive & Jackson will always be with her. It hit us hard when we received the news of little Jackson, I felt like I lost a little piece of me & like I said at the beginning of this. I don't question things, thats not me. I don't analyze things, I just let them be...but there I was. Sitting on the couch at 4:30 in the morning of January 7th, bumfuzzled. I don't even think thats a word but I was. So many thoughts flew through my mind like I knew was going through all of ours. WHY, HOW, WHY, HOW, WHY, HOW. WHY.WHY.WHY. Now the next few days I couldn't really tell you what was going through my mind because I don't know, the only thing I knew was that I didn't understand death & even more than that, I didn't understand life. Over the next few days, we received updates & Ashley opened her life so us in the most unexplainable ways. She could have kept everything private, this was her life, her privacy, her son...her time to grieve. She didn't though, she let us into her little world at that time & although it was at the saddest of times, I felt a calm & happiness, reading all the memories they shared & the pictures & all the happiness & smiles Jack left on all of their souls. There I sat though, staring at nothing...waiting for something. I've picked the everloving out of my lip for the past 2 weeks, something I did when I was younger when I was upset about something, I think the last time I did it is when one of my neighbors stole one of my Barbie dolls. She'll say I gave it to her but I didn't. Shes a lyin bitch. I did not give her that Barbie, my favorite Barbie. She left her shoes, what good is stealing a Barbie without her shoes?! NO GOOD THATS WHAT! So my beautiful Barbie doll was over there at her house, wearing tacky shoes. Ok, I am biting my lip again & I got waaaay off course. When Jack died, it was like we lost Ashley too & since then shes came back & I am so glad, her presence is needed, I need her. Or else I have nothing to do but ramble on about Barbies. Shes seeing happy again & I just want to let her know that somedays, shes our happy. Her posts are witty & hilarious & somedays its the only happy I get besides my husband & my son of course but she gives us the happy that we need when she thinks we're the happy she needs. OK I know thats gonna look like it makes more sense when I post it. I will always think of her as a mother because she is one. I hope she never feels left out of our group because we aren't a group without her. I love you Ash. All our other women like I said before are so different but we all blend so well, like some exotic blend of Columbian Chocolate coffee. We are each others lifeline in a sense & we're each others cheerleaders & each others shoulder when we need to cry. I've changed so much in the last 7 months, mostly because of my son but a LARGE part is due to my mommas. They've made me who I am today. Rebekah makes me a little more organized, Heide makes me accept my inner dork, Michelle helps me through Wolverine losses & celebrating Wolverine wins, Melinda can always help me out if I need to know any information on pretty much anything which I love, Crys is always my chatroom buddy, we're always the only ones there! LOL! If I ever need any information about poop, Kristin pretty much has it covered & she cracks me up & reminds me that sometimes its ok to still act like a kid, Angela is always there to reassure me when I am second guessing myself, I always enjoy reading about Suzanne & Sophies adventures...normally to the gym or the zoo. Sharing goals in life with Amanda being Estheticians, which I am always here in case you need advice...also I know you asked on myspace but I just remembered, no you shouldn't do extractions on Grade 4 acne, its already in the state of severe scaring with pits & pustules. Yum right? I always enjoy hearing about Mason & Reagan...growing like little weeds. The legal kind. 365 days of Jack Fisher & not a day more or less! Talking to Feli about clothes & fashion so that I keep myself looking stylish. Sigh. I am rambling. Ashley & Jack, taught us all probably the biggest thing of all & that is life is short & to never take one second for granted with our LO's.. I hold Mav a little tighter now & for a little longer, I am not a patient person at all but I will say, I have slowed down a lot in the past few weeks & am looking at life in a whole new light. So I may not understand life but I am gonna enjoy it because its the only thing I really know how to do. I don't think we're meant to understand death, its unexpected & no matter what, we always move on. The sun shines again & each day comes as the last goes. So I'm gonna take life as I get it & when its my time...its my time. You can't overthink things, if its anything I learned the past few weeks its that life is way too short to question so smile instead of frown, laugh instead of cry & love instead of hate. Thats what my group of ladies have taught me most.